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My promise to you.

Well, it got to the point to where I had to do something about the depression, and along with it came this, my promise to you.

No-Suicide Contract
by Kevin Caruso
Suicide.org
Founder, Executive Director, Editor-in-Chief

I, Kimberly A. Garren, hereby agree that I will not harm myself in any way, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

Furthermore, I agree that I will take the following actions if I am ever suicidal:

1) I will remind myself that I can never, under any circumstances, harm myself in any way, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

2) I will call 911 if I believe that I am in immediate danger of harming myself.

3) I will call any or all of the following numbers if I am not in immediate danger of harming myself but have suicidal thoughts (please list names, phone numbers, addresses, and any other relevant contact information below):

Mental Health Resources in Portales, NM, 575-359-1221 between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. on the weekdays. On the weekends and outside office hours, I agree to call:

1-800-SUICIDE — 24-hour suicide prevention line that can be called from anywhere in the U.S.

I further agree to keep all counseling appointments at Mental Health Resources, in Portales, NM. My next appointment is Tuesday, September 7, 2010, at 10:00 a.m.

4) I will continue talking on the phone with as many people as necessary for as long as necessary until the suicidal thoughts have subsided.

Signature Kimberly A. Garren Date August 12, 2010, at 5:05 p.m.

Witness Joste Bowen Date 13th of August 2010 at 00:09

Copyright Kevin Caruso. All Rights Reserved.
Suicide.org

Many thanks to Joste for witnessing this. Joste, you’re too kind to me, as you always are.

I signed the real McCoy at the counseling center today. This is just as real as that was, and much more public.

If you’re wondering about the time difference in Joste’s witnessing, it’s because he’s in the U.K.

I would like for everyone to know as well, that this was due in large part to Joste, whom I love very much, and who says he loves me too. If I hadn’t had that… “goal” in my mind still of being able to be with him someday hopefully relatively soon, I would’ve said screw it. Also, the love he’s shown me through this has been very immense and powerful, giving me cheer, letting me know that there was no reason to give up on him, or on life in general.

Also, credit (a lot) to his friend Stephen, who has tried so hard to get me to see things more positively than I do, and to get me to keep fighting.

There are others of course, too, but I don’t think I could fit them all here. I hope they all know who they are. They’re each and every one of you that’s reading right now.

Thank you for your friendship, and your love, always, everyone.

I love you Joste. Please no matter what happens with us when or with anything, know that I love you very very much. It’s immeasurable. Thank you. Thank you always.

I guess what I mean is, love makes all the difference in the world. Please let’s all hang onto that.

… All you need is love.

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Catch-up

Well, after a full ‘nother reinstallation of Arch and Fedora both, I think I may be on track computer-wise. THANK YOU BUNK GRUB2 UPGRADE, AND A BUNK KERNEL UPGRADE (respectively). NOT.

Due to unemployment, and not getting unemployment (was denied), my water is now shut off here at the house, and other utilities are in danger of being shut off. Haven’t been able to pay rent this month.

I want to work, but in this area (very small town), the unemployment rate is sky-high (possibly as high as 50+%), and there are no jobs. Can’t afford to go to where there are jobs right now.

I spend my days going insane for a smoke (please do not try to convince me to quit right now; I’m way to stressed for that, and even more stressed without being able to smoke), watching the forum, being on Twitter, and once in a while on Facebook. I help my daughter with my grandson where I can, and dream of the day when I can make some real money again, and get the hell out of the states to be with my someone, even if for just a couple of weeks. Hell, I’ll take any time with him right now.

I’m blessed I suppose to have what I do have. I have my daughter and grandson (mentioned before), and I have my someone (Joste). I have a roof over my head, even if not for much longer.

I have a retirement cashout coming… someday. The State lost the paperwork on it……. so I have to wait yet another 30-45 days for it to come……. by then I’m horribly afraid everything will be turned off.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing this is my life. I worked too hard throughout it for it to not be like this, and ended up with it anyway. It’s a nightmare.

To add insult to injury, what is now yesterday I finally had to break down and go get food stamps. They batched them out to me 4 hours ago, I went to go shop, and the pin I had put in for my EBT card, turned out to be the wrong pin. One I had manually entered already to get the card going in the first place, and it locked me out. I now have to wait another 24 hours before I can even shop. This is why I hate living on system shit.

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

Macula aeterintatis
Numquam detergenda
Quisnam surget et deteget
Imaginem veritates ?

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious intentions
Only to feel superior and to have a license to kill

Our desire to die is stronger
Than all your desire for life
There is no getting away from it now
Only true faith survives

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious ascensions
To subject the others and to enslave, just to further enrich themselves

It doesn’t matter where we die
It doesn’t matter that you cry
We’ll take you with us

A disgrace on the beyond

O servator, sempiterne
Te grati coluimus, Odor atrox quo nons superfundis intolerabilis est

Deceive yourself by yielding
to soft words that cause no pain
Enrich yourself with different views
Learned without disdain

A disgrace on the beyond
That can never be undone
Who shall rise and unveil
The Facade of Reality?

Is there still room for new dents in old wrecks?
A disgrace on the beyond that can never be undone
Deceive yourself by yielding to soft words
Enrich yourself by making up your own mind

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

~Epica

Façade of Reality

I haven’t had much to say lately, and for that I’m sorry to everyone. When one’s heavily depressed, it’s hard to talk. I appreciate very much everyone’s caring and love, and you have it in return. There’s just not much to say right now. Please forgive me.

Death

… is only a condition wherein we pretend we’re sleeping. I guess that’s what it’s going to take to get some sleep. So much going on, and so very little time to get it all in.

I had posted this to my Facebook, back when I was still working as an Employment Recruiter for the State of New Mexico. I was hired under the ARRA, worked for the DOL, under the state’s umbrella. I’m hoping still I guess, that I can get it the attention it needs, and deserves.

**This is still in draft/editing phase**

Mr. President,

I am a resident in a very small rural community in the United States, which is listed here in my profile. Tonight, Sir, I bring forth two very large issues that I am seeing here in my community, and in many others similar to mine. I am an ARRA/Employment Representative for the local One-Stop Workforce Connection in my community, whose population totals at just over 19,000, the majority of the residents being transients, since we are a college town. Today, I learned that the hospital here laid off a number of our local residents, because a company had bought out the management of a section of our hospital. In an area which has been plagued by layoffs ever since the job economy completely crashed, this may be more than we can take, and I’d like to ask you what you think I should do for my clients when they come in and file for Unemployment, in a system that clearly is not working for them, of which will be explained later. For now, I’d like to stick to the local hospital’s issue, and present to you the totality of what is going on, in the hope that maybe you can see one of the reasons why Health Reform will not work for communities like the one I work in, and work for.

The main issue, Mr. President, with the hospital layoff, is that it is proving more and more what most of your people are thinking, that being that medical, hospital, and prescription costs have more than become a major business. In this particular case, it is more than apparent that the reason the hospital took the course it did, was to be a money-maker, to engage in the world of “big business” for itself, rather than to serve with insuring the health of the people in our area. They are trying to cut costs, thereby increase profits, and are doing it in a very cold and “business like” way. Today, I had two people come in to file for Unemployment who were victims of this layoff, who had Bachelor’s degrees at the minimum, and who also specialized in their field. One of them had worked straight since he got out of college years ago. What I would like to see if it’s at all possible, is a cap on medical expenses. The big medical business needs to come down a few pegs, to say the least. Having read the Health Reform Act, I am highly disappointed that there is very little done in this area. Prescriptions are still running away with their costs (I myself am currently, even though I am on medical insurance, looking at a prescription that I can not afford to get with the co-pay that I have). Why in the world should a prescription cost sometimes up to $50 (and more!) just for a single pill, whether covered by medical insurance or not, thereby increasing the costs of my own co-pays (and that much more for those who can not afford medical insurance) so drastically? Why should I have to see people coming into my office to file for unemployment, because our hospital decided to get in on this “make more money than we’re worth” game? It’s inexcusable. It’s intolerable. And, it has already, and will, destroy our own local economy, and possibly quite a bit of those who live here, also. You see Mr. President, I care about the quality of life for those that I see every day. I care for every one of them, I bend over backwards to help them, but sometimes there isn’t anything that even I can do for them, and this is the most hurtful thing in the world to me, and to the residents here. I have, quite literally, burned myself out on at least attempting to help the people that I see, but in the end, I wonder if I’m doing any good, in a local economy that is already extremely depressed for jobs, and in many other ways as well. There are more days than not, that I literally do not want to go to work and face these clients who are so hard-hit over medical costs and now, layoffs in the medical industry here, because I can not accept that I can’t help them at this time, other than have these poor people file for Unemployment, and because I feel their pain. I’d like to know what sort of provisions you are making for medical costs which continue to skyrocket. Maybe you can afford these expenses, but we can’t, Mr. President. We just can’t. I am mentally and emotionally constantly burdened with this for the people here, and am very close in some cases to a sort of post-traumatic stress disorder from it, after having only worked this job for several months. For a town of just over 19,000, I shouldn’t be seeing this. There is no excuse for it. One would think that for a smaller town, it would be easy to try to spark some sort of economy, but there just isn’t here.

Now on to the other pressing matter, Mr. President. I am so very sorry to sound so sarcastic, and the tone of sarcasm is definitely not what I am trying to convey here, but I am wondering what is being done about bringing more jobs to rural small communities, who are being hit with layoffs continually, such as our community here. It appears (whether it is reality or not) that the only thing the people of my own community can do when they are laid off from Anywhere USA at this time, is file for Unemployment, where they sit throughout second and third tiers, because they can’t find a job. For these people, it means over two years of being on Unemployment. Now let me bring forth to you the reality of Unemployment in our state. Unemployment most generally is filed on a very poor website that doesn’t work, errors out, and causes other grief, at which point the clients are advised to call via phone to a call center which is plagued by a situation of being continually well under-staffed (and why is this, when jobs are needed so desperately at this time, is beyond most. It would seem that it would be quite easy to hire all that are needed and then some). The customer service at our call center is deplorable, where people call (who would have guessed at a call center) sometimes for up to over a week, just to be able to file their claims. Ninety percent of the calls were taken off the call center’s hands just about a month ago, when a new 1-877 phone number was issued for clients to be able to reset their pins to apply for unemployment. However, now the state of our own call center has become much worse, even with this huge load taken off of their hands. At this time, we are seeing social security number issues with the clients, we are seeing fraud claims being filed at our police department therefore, and people still are almost completely unable to get through to the call center (when they need to call) to file claims, discuss issues with their Unemployment, etc. Mr. President, this is inexcusable, in particular when it is known that the ARRA allotted monies to the states, to be able to improve conditions such as this. Monies were also allocated to the states to hire more Employment Representatives in the areas they were needed in throughout the United States. What good does the hiring of these people (such as myself) do, when there are no jobs (regardless of recruitment of new jobs in our database from people like myself in what little time we have to do it, which is fruitless for our office anyway, because I am a one-man band in a field office), there is no economy, there are no jobs, and there are deplorable phone conditions at the Unemployment call centers? I can commend you for trying here; however, employees such as myself who were hired under the ARRA are wondering, “Where are the jobs to refer people to?” I believe that on the federal level, there has to be some accounting from the states, to be sure that the stimulus monies they receive are managed correctly as well. We can’t keep saying, “here, have some money” without some accountability. In my state, it is so obvious that the funds are being mismanaged horribly, and can not believe that the conditions that this community face are what you had in mind during this economic crisis.

Sometimes in this small community, Mr. President, I see up to twenty people in one day. I would think that there is something that can be done to bring jobs to rural communities, so that I don’t have to wonder where the money from the ARRA is going to, other than this. I work for you, Mr. President. I work for the United States Department of Labor, for the State. I am asking you to at least attempt to give me something joyful to give to my clients, that being a job to apply for, not to have to hassle their already fragile minds from being laid off, with more torture through the Unemployment system here. My clients have been extremely hard-working through their lives; however for a lot of them, they literally live in third-world conditions, mostly due to lack of economy here.

I await some kind of response, from you, from the DCCC, or from anyone who can help our people here.

Thank you for listening.

Kimberly A. Garren, ARRA/Employment Representative

**My current issue, even more so than the editing, is getting people like the DCCC, Progress For a More Perfect Union, and Barack Obama to see this. It’s not allowing me to tag the note with them.**

I am finding it harder and harder to continue on #Twittermarch for the 99ers and unemployed. It’s hitting too close to home.

Since this, I was laid off from this job, and am seeking work. Very scary in this world as it is. The office has since closed down, so there is no one to service unemployed people in our community at all.

Please, let there be some light somewhere.

Or rather I should say, why isn’t it consistent? Some nights I can take only one OTT pill, and sleep fine. Others, I can take three and not sleep for three days. This is one of those nights, wherein nothing is working. Nothing… and I need sleep badly right now. Such is life I guess. Stress, insomnia, depression, and all the things that go with it. Lack of interest in some things, lack of will to get up off my ass and do anything about my situation (rent was due today, and guess what).

Speaking of stress, what is now yesterday, I decided to give my Arch Linux system a try at reinstalling the bootloader. No go. Not even close. With the bootloader having been completely 100% uninstalled, even in /usr/lib, it wasn’t going to work. Ut-ooh. Reinstall time, so I backed everything up on it from my Fedora 13 drive, and went for it. This time, I went for the net install. Mistake #2 (#1 was using gtkpacman to upgrade grub to grub2 with). It took for frikking ever. I got X installed, the Nvidia driver, ran nvidia-xconfig, and guess what. Now the Nvidia 256 driver doesn’t want to play nice. DAMNIT! Hung it up for the day; it had already taken some 2 1/2 hours. I’ll go back to it when I feel like tackling it again.

Other than that, interesting things happening on Twitter. Asshole from the Tea Party decided to try to weasel his way in to my Twitter. Nope, sorry dude, you’re outta here once I see what you’re up to. He was claiming to be in support of the 99ers (the people pushing for a tier 5 for unemployment benefits since the job market sucks so bad right now here in the states), but I could see through that smoke screen right away with his anti-Obama rhetoric, and anti-Democratic rhetoric as well. Again, I will reiterate: you can’t have it both ways. You can’t claim to support the 99ers, when you yourself are a member of a party who helped put the 99ers where they are, and have kept them there. Damned hypocrite anyway.

@ROCKWITHBECK, the #teabaggers can bite me.
@ROCKWITHBECK, what’s your #fucking trip? You pull for the 99ers in one hand, and then support the people that put them there in the other?
@ROCKWITHBECK, Get your game on. You can’t have it both ways.
He tries telling me:
@dedanna1029 There are just as many ‘TEA BAGGERS’ who are unemployeed, as there are ‘SOCIALISTS’. This is about surivival not politics.
@dedanna1029 I’m a member of the Tea Party Movement, and yet, I’m not going to turn my back on those in need … no matter the circumstances
@ROCKWITHBECK then get the HELL OFF MY #TWITTER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

“Would @SarahPalinUSA approve and push for a Tier V for #unemployment? Nope.” – I know I’m right. You can’t say it’s not a political thing, then turn right around in the same breath and spew rhetoric about the President and those who do NOT try to filibuster the H.R. 4213 bill!!! Hope he has his fun with Glenn Beck. Go back under the rock you crawled out of, asshole.

Something even more interesting happened. I got a message from @Kellbo0, saying “do u follow me back? i adore u.” (I’m thinking, “I’m nothing to adore”, and was quite stunned). I checked her out. Check out her name. “kell hussein obama”. I also checked out what she is all about. She is also fighting for a cause… I’m glad now she messaged me, and I’m definitely following her.

Also had an interesting message from @Socialblade, which read: “Sounds like you had a delicious breakfast/supper LOL! We hope you can cause we’d love to have you!” Being rather intrigued about the “we’d love to have you” part, I responded asking what they meant, but they haven’t gotten back to me.

Starting Monday, I won’t be on Facebook for two weeks. I’m burned out on it, and need a break from it.

I’m beginning to get worried about our Site Admin at bjoernvold. He said he was going to “take a night or two” to a beach getaway. Haven’t heard a thing since (Someone please tell me, how long is “a night or two”?). I’m manning the forum, but would really love to get some real excitement going on there. It’s not like you guys have quit slacking on it, either. I realize there are better things to do with one’s day, but you’re not even stopping by once in a while! I will say though, that I have developed a very deep appreciation of Rick Vause, who has kept coming back, and who has turned out to be someone I can talk to and relate with also. Thank you, Rick.

On the agenda for tomorrow: Clean house (that’s always on the agenda, and never gets done), fill out the papers for my retirement cashout so I can pay rent, and try to get a plane ticket while i’m at it to see the man, get laundry done, and maybe go see a friend. I have to admit I’m getting real tired of all this online stuff (with the exception of a couple of things), but it suits my purposes right now for communication, and activism for the 99ers (which I’m likely to be one in 99 weeks), and the Democratic Party. It does grate on my neck though, and on the carpal tunnel syndrome (that will be explained in another post, maybe).

… All you need is love. I do too. The Big Problem is, I’m always so busy loving everyone else, that I get very little chance to love myself.

Good night.

Sons les mots qui vont trés bien ensemble, trés bien ensemble,
I love you, I love you I love you…

Depression is the least of my worries sometimes. Flashback to 1982.

I was pregnant with Jennifer, my first child, in my middle trimester, some 4 or 5 months along. I was living with my aunt and uncle, who had just had their first child, a beautiful, beautiful blonde baby girl, with ebony eyes. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect! Except for one thing. She became very sick. My aunt literally walked the floors, holding her for some two months, afraid to take her to the hospital. Make no doubt about it, my aunt was the epitomy of a good mother. She loved her babe very much (who, at the time, was 16 months old). After two months of walking her 24/7, holding her, loving her, doting on her, just to listen to her whimper, she finally broke down and took her to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles. From there, they ran tests after tests, including a spinal tap, never reaching a 100% positive conclusion on what was wrong.

I went to see my aunt and cousin several times during the time they were in the hospital (still pregnant, at almost if not 8 months by this time), only to watch my cousin worsen and worsen. Her stomach distended to look as if she were literally pregnant, and became black and blue. She was riddled with I.V.s, and I could tell that she was… not going to make it. No one could tell my aunt that, though. Everyone tried, the nurses, everyone, but she refused to give up on her one baby daughter.

Finally, on Christmas Day, we were at my grandmother’s (my uncle’s mother), my aunt and uncle, my dad, old friends of the family, and I saw my grandmother receive a phone call. She took it into the other room. When the call was over, she came out, looked at my aunt with the look of “OMG”, and my aunt looked at her, and said, “She didn’t make it?”

No, love. She didn’t make it. She died, Christmas Day, 1982. Needless to say, I haven’t celebrated Christmas since, and refuse to. I abandoned all faith at that time, and felt like an omen of sorts had been place on my own child, who wasn’t born yet. The pain of losing Michelle on that day was more than any of us could handle.

After that, from much prompting of my aunt and uncle from my dad, an autopsy was done, and it became conclusive that Michelle had died of Myelogenous Leukemia. After the autopsy, there was a funeral, at my favorite church in Pasadena, California (St. Elizabeth’s), which was one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to endure in my life. They played that old Beatles tune “Michelle, Ma Belle” for her. As time went on however, I did my best to push it out of my mind; I had a child to bring into the world of my own, and I couldn’t – just couldn’t, do it under the stigma of pain. Jennifer was born very healthy and beautiful herself – a redhead.

I had pushed it out of my mind completely (or so I thought) years ago. Why am I bringing this up now? Well, my friend, the miracle of Facebook. A friend of mine on there, Tony Phillips, is holding a fundraiser for Leukemia and Lymphoma for children. He’s had a very hard time raising the funds he needs for it, and I would like to ask you to at least consider donating. Who knows, it might be your child, too someday.

I donated tonight. Being unemployed, it’s not easy, but felt compelled to do something, given the history.

The tears are flooding… but I have to still believe that somehow, Michelle’s death won’t have been for nothing.

Post-traumatic stress from watching Michelle die? Yes. It’s still worth it. This is the first I’ve spoken of her death since her funeral. It must be worth it.

Thanks for reading.

I’m whacked. Totally, completely whacked tired. So much so that I’m reaching the “I’m whacked” point after only 3 beers.

Still can’t sleep. Just want to hang on to whatever is… “out there”. Twitter, Facebook, this, that, the other, the forum, seems like a whole new world is opening up, when one is shutting down (but I can’t shut down my brain). I need to find a way to shut my brain off. OTT chemicals aren’t helping, pot isn’t helping, and I seriously don’t know what to do. 😦

Speaking of which, earlier I had a meltdown with and over Sarah Palin. Yeah, told her how it is. I shouldn’t have, but don’t think I said anything that most aren’t thinking anyway. She’s a bitch, there is no discounting that. Her effing neocon party totally hosed our system, and she comes back saying it’s everyone else’s fault. It would be one thing if she came back saying “Hey, we screwed up and are trying to make it right”, but what does she do. Becomes an effing Teabagging whore. I take very strong exception to the Teabaggers, having been directly involved with the unemployment situation here in the states in trying to help clean up the mess the neocon bastards left behind, and seeing directly what they’ve caused. Needless to say, I’m very hurt by it all. Film at 11 (yes, I say that sarcastically). (Yeah, bitch, keep on dogging Obama as a Nazi. See how far it will get you.)

Think I’ll go check the forum… or the Follow Friday page…. or maybe I’ll just go crawl into that bed that’s missing a certain someone.

The bitch strikes!

Wow! Finally slept at just after 6:00 this morning, three hours later, here I am! One would think that I’d be happy that I slept at all, but after a whole 3 hours of sleep, I feel like I’ve been crashed into by an airplane. Lack-of-sleep hangovers. They suck.

After 50 years, I still wonder why I inherited this dreaded disease (it runs in my family). You’d think I’d know by now. I guess some of us are just blessed. harumph.

On another note, Fedora 13 is happily updating right now, and I’m hoping it doesn’t do like Arch Linux did; update, then I reboot, and can’t get back into it. It’s strange that Arch Linux crashed after a major update several days ago, but Fedora has kept on trucking. It’s usually the other way around. Arch is quite stable on the whole. I guess I still have to learn to keep it that way.

At any rate, I need to go check the forum. Do stop by and see us at bjoernvold (hit Ctrl+left click on that link, and watch what happens. Remember that one). It’s a fun and technologically savvy place. 🙂 Still trying to get it off the ground after four months. You’ve been slacking! I also need to get plugins installed to Flock, now that I’m a *supposedly savvy* social media person and all :P.

After the forum, it’s off to check Facebook and Twitter, then out of the house to get some things done. One more thing before I go, if you Ctrl+left click this link, it will take you to my last.fm, where I’m scrobbling up my current playlist. Music… it’s what life is all about to me.

You can’t be still
You’re such a nervous fellow
Like a yo-yo
Up and down

Take this little pill
And life will be so mellow
You’ll feel the world
Start slowing down around

Who’s that rushing out the door
Who’s not taking any more
Who’s been down this road before
Without you

You tell me who’s number one
Who’s not here
Who’s having fun
Who’s the one who cares this much
About you

You won’t feel the pain
You won’t mind the rain
You can be happy all the time
All the time
One dose twice a day
The world will go away
You’ll be smiling through
The worst of times
Who’s that rushing out the door
Who’s not taking any more
Who’s been down this road before
Without you

You tell me who’s number one
Who’s not here
Who’s having fun
Who’s the one
Who knows so much about you

I believe I believe
There’s something more
I believe it’s just beyond the door
I believe there’s something more
I believe it’s just
Beyond the door
I believe there’s something
Better out there

Wanna leave this world
So far behind
I can see your face there
In my mind
I believe there’s something
Better out there

Who’s that rushing
Who’s not taking
Who’s been down this
You tell me who’s
Who’s not here who’s
Who’s the one who

Something better
Something better
Something better
Something better
Something better
–Styx

So, how ya doing today? Do tell.

Looks like it’s finally all set and ready to go! Now, all I need is sleep. 😛

Will deal with that on chemical terms.

Well, hello you! Welcome!

It seems I’m starting a blog here, and have a lot to say, but it generally comes in little bits.

I also have a lot to learn about how to use this thing! Education is a good thing. 🙂  For the meantime, you can see me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/dedanna1029, or on Facebook at skeeter1029@hotmail.com. Lots on the way I’m sure, once I’ve been able to get the knowledge that I need to do this!

… All you need is love.