Category: Uncategorized

Source: It’s not what you think

“but it’s really about depression and cynicism. Those two go hand-in-hand, along with their nasty little sister, anxiety. When the three of them get going, they just eat hope as quickly as it can be summoned. That leaves despair and despair is exhausting, not just for those who experience it, but for the people around it as well.”

So, so true, and unfortunately a lot of the time it takes death from suicide for those around us, and for us to see it.


Coming up…

We gonna discuss us some anxiety and PTSD stuff, and hopefully you will be too.

My hours at work are increasing again. It seems that all I have to do is go in to work just for shits ‘n giggles on my day off, and I land with another day of work. It’s all good, I need the money and I like my work. It sure beats sitting on my duff here at the shelter, and has me beginning to catch up bills-wise. Yes, the homeless have bills.

My last post still has me thinking too.

It seems that depression, anxiety, and PTSD are closely related. We’ll discuss that too.

I have paperwork to do, a colonoscopy to schedule, and on Monday an orthopedist appointment to see about physical therapy. That should be fun. The point is it may be a bit before I can post again. The discussion may be a bit down the road. Until then, toodles!

I came across this this morning. Yes, I’ve been away lately. My mom’s kitty Y2K, partly my kitty’s (I feel anyway, I took care of him a lot and he loved me as well, as I did him) death really did a number on me, and I needed a long time-out. In the meantime I’ve dislocated my knee on the shuttle-type bus here, and took it completely out of joint. There are two complete ligament tears but the orthopedist says I don’t need surgery, just physical therapy. That should prove fun. It happened just two weeks after I got a job (and I like it), so my full-time hours sadly have been cut way back. I’m not anywhere near as depressed as I was but then two things have come up which have started me on a comparably light depression today. Life sucks.

Indeedy, life sucks. Look at that article. That article is why we can’t have nice things here in the states. It is also a part of why our homeless population is so high. Right now the homeless count sits at right around 25 mil. The prison population. Where should I even begin to explain this? I guess the fact that a lot of those in jail and in prison come out to homelessness. They land in shelters like the one I’m in, which increases things like theft, intimidation, all kinds of things in the homeless shelters. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been stolen from – money, precious belongings, I could go on and on. They finally got me a small locker here, which helps, but doesn’t do it all by any means.

Shall we go on to say that the reason this is all happening is that corporations now run the prisons and they must be fed? This is only one way that corporations along with religion have taken over this country. I’d love to get out and stay out. Anyone in the UK got $20K USD, a plane ticket, and a sponsor for me? Didn’t think so.

We must understand these things. They are also the reason that oppression, repression, ethnic discrimination, and hatred abound. Is it fair that it’s women who have the rising prison stats? I have to wonder, because (not being a feminist), I have to say that women and those of other ethnicities are still to this day not held as equal to men in pay, etc., and that’s all I ask, is to be treated as an equal human being. Oh, and people! STOP calling it racism!!! We are all of ONE race, the human one, not one is better than another. Money doesn’t make us better! It only makes us more corrupt! We are merely of different nationalities and ethnicities. Call it for what it really is, ethnic discrimination! It’s been rampant since the beginning of time, because it seems that humanity has never evolved to the point of realizing that we are all one race! We should be loving one another and toppling any government who is a discriminating piece of shit on anyone! It starts with you and me!

What are we going to do about what’s happening with our prisons? That’s what I’d like to hear from you. The government, regardless who idiot voters put into power, doesn’t even acknowledge that it’s happening. Anyone ever heard any candidate mention what they’ll do about this out of control problem? The prisons or the homeless problem? Nah, read this and read well: They don’t give a shit about the homeless, or me, or you. If you think they do, kill yourself now.

If we don’t start talking with each other, the problem will bite us all in the ass. Hard.

This post originally had something go way wrong, and it was a mess. I couldn’t fix it at the time, so I decided I’d come back to it when I mildly gave a rat’s and had time. Now, finally, here it is in its fixed form. -K

Well, I guess I somewhat am. I’m still grieving a lot but it eases sometimes, and I live for those moments when it does. Since I am somewhat better, since I’m damn tired of thinking about how depressed I am, I’m damn tired of the grief, it’s time to talk about something else.

I got a job. Not the best job but it’s money, which I need desperately. I can look for something else as I work it. It’s easier to get a job if you’re already working anyway. I won’t get kicked out of the shelter. My case manager has let me stay without paying the pay to stay rent for three months now, and he told me just today that I’m OK there, with or without rent. Maybe it’s because I don’t give anyone any shit, I get along with others, and I keep to myself, who knows.

Now time for yet another subject…

Microsoft. Microsoft Microsoft Microsoft. Why do people value you and love you so much? You and I both know they’re idiots. They pay so much money for a crappy operating system, and for almost every program on it. Why? Why? Why? Why? Take for example, in order to hang on to their monopoly, Microsoft still hasn't backed off of forced upgrades to 10. Why? Windows 10 is a piece of shit. It's worse than 8 even. I had 8.1 on my laptop and then upgraded to 10 before it got stolen. I regretted it, reformatted with just Linux, and it ran like a champ from then on. Lesson learned. I had been dual-booting with Mageia Linux, but scrapped the whole thing and went fully Mageia Linux 5. Never a complaint from it, except it has issues seeing Broadcom wireless chips. They're deep into 6 now, it's on its way if it hasn't been released yet.

So do yourself a favor, go Linux. Musicians, you won't believe the tools Linux has for you. It's really awesome…

I'm off for now. Not much time today, probably a good thing. I don't know what I'm doing today anyway, but hoping I can somehow get a hold of a bus pass so I can get to and from work. If not, I'm screwed.
Take care.

It’s been a very long time, hasnit? It went by too fast for this kid. So much has happened since I last wrote here for such a small span of time. So much that I don’t know where to begin. What’s it been? Some five years? Wait….




SIX YEARS (yea, hard to fathom)!!!!


I’ve definitely been away for far too long!

Holy shit!

It’s time to start writing once again, and not stop this time. The reason it stopped last time is… life. Just pure, shit life. It’s still a shit life but every once in a while it gets better because cool people come ’round where I’m at, a homeless shelter in Cheyenne, WY. I’ve also been on Facebook, and have cool people there around me. Very special people, each and every one. However, I need to get away from Facebook for a while. It’s affording me very bad things like procrastination from what I should be doing, because I haven’t had the will to do what I should be doing. Does it matter at the end of the day? Yes. Because I’m homeless and need to buckle down to find work, to get housing, all the “amenities,” “perks,” “free welfare,” “benefits”… all those goodies we shouldn’t have according to the governments because homeless people can just die (which by the way is what they are doing in the states – dying). I love the attitude of the rich. If I could I’d eat them. Maybe then I could have all their money and music. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC! MUSIC, I tell you!!!

I was evicted from my apartment in September of 2011 because I couldn’t keep up with rent. I’d lost my job. Need I say more there? Thank you, 1%. Thank you, former employers, I loved that job. It utilized the skills that I have, as well as the kind of heart I have. I care for others. A lot. I was working for New Mexico Workforce Connection, making what at that time was seen as good pay. Here’s a twist for you: Employment Recruiter gets laid off. Would’ve made a helluva headline at the time. My landlord helped me file for disability, as my lower back had got much worse, and at the time I was very depressed, not knowing what I should – or wanted – to do with my life? It’s kind of like when a marriage breaks up and you’re taking your first step into your new place from it. Know that feeling? I do.

My landlord also helped me for about a year, but nothing broke in a 56% UNemployment market, it was too hard to find. The dairy industry had pretty much closed down in Portales, taking the whole economy there; jobs lost, etc. etc. You know the drill. It was the time of the second major financial crash in the U.S., the 2010 one. When a year was up, my landlord couldn’t handle it any more and handed me an eviction notice. I appreciated him helping me up to that point, so I wasn’t going to fight it. Why should I? Bite the hand that feeds me? Oh hell no. I’m not the kind of person to take advantage of people like that and then screw them over (although I know plenty of people like that. I hate them all).

(Still in 2011) With no money, no time, no anything, I had to be out of the apartment, and accepted that fact. I just didn’t know what to do? I checked out schools in Colorado, and homeless shelters there. I decided to go up to Colorado Springs and go to CTU (epic fail for two quarters), where I’d be close to my mom. With the help of a very good old friend (she’s not old, our friendship is lol) I got everything packed and stored at my friend’s. I took off for Colorado Springs in my (what I thought was) trusty ’87 Acura Legend. Along the way, the car blew the main transmission seal. I had to put in tranny fluid seemed like every five minutes on the way. It was a nightmare. I junked it at Colorado Springs, and headed for the shelter. I knew it was eat shit and die time. I’d never been in this place before.


Continue reading

can’t breathe…

Life is continually sucking me into this space-time continuum of total hyperarousal, and is spinning me down into a deep black hole, to where there is no me, there is no you, there is no anything. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t move because I’m so frozen in fear. Yet, I need to run. I need to run from the fear, from life, from everything. I need to run so fast and so hard for miles and miles, yet my feet won’t move…

Please reach out your hand and pull me up out of this… please. Bring me back to the land of the living. Bring me back to your love. Bring me back to sanity. However rational or not it is, I feel like I’m dying…

Some days are like this.

Well, I’ll tell ya what. At 8:00 last night, I got in from one of the worst days I’ve had in AGES, my car crapped out on me out of town, they wouldn’t have parts for it until this morning, it’s an expensive fix (alternator is what it was; totally crapped on me), I had to get the battery charged THREE times via being jumped, and even then the car would only go ’til the next time I stopped (and one of the times it crapped was in the middle of the frikking street, a busy one). 😦 I had an app’t this morning I had to make (ended up walking – it was very hot, as well as several other things today (oh well, guess I won’t get to go to Lubbock this coming weekend). At least I have someone who brought me the alternator this morning, but even then, I have no one to put it on. I’m currently a sitting frikking duck at home.

BUT, there was one thing I was so thankful for throughout the day, that I had this album on my mp3 player (“The Understanding”), my mp3 player was charged, and I had it with me. I seriously don’t think I would have stayed even as sane as I did through the day without it and the thought that Viking had suggested it. I fell in love with this album, in particular (but not only) this song, I don’t know how many times:

Thank you Bjoernvold Site Admin viking60. Seriously. I really really love it, and the more I listen, the more I love it. If that doesn’t calm the soul, I don’t know what does. It put me in a whole ‘nother world, and really all I could do yesterday and today, was to do my best to stay in the world it put me in.

Update: On another note, this is probably the last “deep” post you will have from me. I’m thinking on other things to write about at this time; Linux in particular. Stay tuned.

I made it to the appointment, ended up walking from there to the Chinese restaurant for lunch, then to downtown, made an appointment to get my hair cut, and also came to find out that my old mechanic is back in business, and was still at his old place, within walking distance. Sometimes when we cry, the source is listening.

This post was also posted at the forum, here. This post here on the blog is a modified form.

Hello World…

You’re really seeming strange today (today is). Maybe it’s that I’m not awake yet, and am seeing things from my sleepy state, it could be that reality isn’t proven out to be all that it’s cracked up to be. It could be anything, but damn, today sure looks strange.

Let’s start with the fact that reality is something that can be either good or bad, shall we? Let’s accept that reality for just a moment, and realize that therefore, a lot is or could be in imbalance.

(For this is something that we as human beings ponder all the time…) So therefore it goes to stand to reason that one must always be more dominant over the other, keeping us, as human beings, imbalanced. Therefore nothing is rational or balanced. Ever.

However, we always wonder… in the process of this, is the good that is achieved, necessarily good and lasting for future generations, or is it drowned out, considering the dominant force is either good or evil, and we can’t be assured in any given moment, which is the dominant one?

These things are the reason I feel strange today. It’s like I’m almost there and can maybe see a way out of this hole, but it’s like I can’t see it yet. I’m not “in-tune”, I’m not me.

Not that I’m philosophical or believe that anything could ever be “in-tune”, but y’know. 😛

My promise to you.

Well, it got to the point to where I had to do something about the depression, and along with it came this, my promise to you.

No-Suicide Contract
by Kevin Caruso
Founder, Executive Director, Editor-in-Chief

I, Kimberly A. Garren, hereby agree that I will not harm myself in any way, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

Furthermore, I agree that I will take the following actions if I am ever suicidal:

1) I will remind myself that I can never, under any circumstances, harm myself in any way, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

2) I will call 911 if I believe that I am in immediate danger of harming myself.

3) I will call any or all of the following numbers if I am not in immediate danger of harming myself but have suicidal thoughts (please list names, phone numbers, addresses, and any other relevant contact information below):

Mental Health Resources in Portales, NM, 575-359-1221 between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. on the weekdays. On the weekends and outside office hours, I agree to call:

1-800-SUICIDE — 24-hour suicide prevention line that can be called from anywhere in the U.S.

I further agree to keep all counseling appointments at Mental Health Resources, in Portales, NM. My next appointment is Tuesday, September 7, 2010, at 10:00 a.m.

4) I will continue talking on the phone with as many people as necessary for as long as necessary until the suicidal thoughts have subsided.

Signature Kimberly A. Garren Date August 12, 2010, at 5:05 p.m.

Witness Joste Bowen Date 13th of August 2010 at 00:09

Copyright Kevin Caruso. All Rights Reserved.

Many thanks to Joste for witnessing this. Joste, you’re too kind to me, as you always are.

I signed the real McCoy at the counseling center today. This is just as real as that was, and much more public.

If you’re wondering about the time difference in Joste’s witnessing, it’s because he’s in the U.K.

I would like for everyone to know as well, that this was due in large part to Joste, whom I love very much, and who says he loves me too. If I hadn’t had that… “goal” in my mind still of being able to be with him someday hopefully relatively soon, I would’ve said screw it. Also, the love he’s shown me through this has been very immense and powerful, giving me cheer, letting me know that there was no reason to give up on him, or on life in general.

Also, credit (a lot) to his friend Stephen, who has tried so hard to get me to see things more positively than I do, and to get me to keep fighting.

There are others of course, too, but I don’t think I could fit them all here. I hope they all know who they are. They’re each and every one of you that’s reading right now.

Thank you for your friendship, and your love, always, everyone.

I love you Joste. Please no matter what happens with us when or with anything, know that I love you very very much. It’s immeasurable. Thank you. Thank you always.

I guess what I mean is, love makes all the difference in the world. Please let’s all hang onto that.

… All you need is love.


… is only a condition wherein we pretend we’re sleeping. I guess that’s what it’s going to take to get some sleep. So much going on, and so very little time to get it all in.