Category: insomnia


It’s been a very long time, hasnit? It went by too fast for this kid. So much has happened since I last wrote here for such a small span of time. So much that I don’t know where to begin. What’s it been? Some five years? Wait….

WARNING:

sarcastic

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SIX YEARS (yea, hard to fathom)!!!!

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I’ve definitely been away for far too long!

Holy shit!

It’s time to start writing once again, and not stop this time. The reason it stopped last time is… life. Just pure, shit life. It’s still a shit life but every once in a while it gets better because cool people come ’round where I’m at, a homeless shelter in Cheyenne, WY. I’ve also been on Facebook, and have cool people there around me. Very special people, each and every one. However, I need to get away from Facebook for a while. It’s affording me very bad things like procrastination from what I should be doing, because I haven’t had the will to do what I should be doing. Does it matter at the end of the day? Yes. Because I’m homeless and need to buckle down to find work, to get housing, all the “amenities,” “perks,” “free welfare,” “benefits”… all those goodies we shouldn’t have according to the governments because homeless people can just die (which by the way is what they are doing in the states – dying). I love the attitude of the rich. If I could I’d eat them. Maybe then I could have all their money and music. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC! MUSIC, I tell you!!!

I was evicted from my apartment in September of 2011 because I couldn’t keep up with rent. I’d lost my job. Need I say more there? Thank you, 1%. Thank you, former employers, I loved that job. It utilized the skills that I have, as well as the kind of heart I have. I care for others. A lot. I was working for New Mexico Workforce Connection, making what at that time was seen as good pay. Here’s a twist for you: Employment Recruiter gets laid off. Would’ve made a helluva headline at the time. My landlord helped me file for disability, as my lower back had got much worse, and at the time I was very depressed, not knowing what I should – or wanted – to do with my life? It’s kind of like when a marriage breaks up and you’re taking your first step into your new place from it. Know that feeling? I do.

My landlord also helped me for about a year, but nothing broke in a 56% UNemployment market, it was too hard to find. The dairy industry had pretty much closed down in Portales, taking the whole economy there; jobs lost, etc. etc. You know the drill. It was the time of the second major financial crash in the U.S., the 2010 one. When a year was up, my landlord couldn’t handle it any more and handed me an eviction notice. I appreciated him helping me up to that point, so I wasn’t going to fight it. Why should I? Bite the hand that feeds me? Oh hell no. I’m not the kind of person to take advantage of people like that and then screw them over (although I know plenty of people like that. I hate them all).

(Still in 2011) With no money, no time, no anything, I had to be out of the apartment, and accepted that fact. I just didn’t know what to do? I checked out schools in Colorado, and homeless shelters there. I decided to go up to Colorado Springs and go to CTU (epic fail for two quarters), where I’d be close to my mom. With the help of a very good old friend (she’s not old, our friendship is lol) I got everything packed and stored at my friend’s. I took off for Colorado Springs in my (what I thought was) trusty ’87 Acura Legend. Along the way, the car blew the main transmission seal. I had to put in tranny fluid seemed like every five minutes on the way. It was a nightmare. I junked it at Colorado Springs, and headed for the shelter. I knew it was eat shit and die time. I’d never been in this place before.

eat-shit-die

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Hello World…

You’re really seeming strange today (today is). Maybe it’s that I’m not awake yet, and am seeing things from my sleepy state, it could be that reality isn’t proven out to be all that it’s cracked up to be. It could be anything, but damn, today sure looks strange.

Let’s start with the fact that reality is something that can be either good or bad, shall we? Let’s accept that reality for just a moment, and realize that therefore, a lot is or could be in imbalance.

(For this is something that we as human beings ponder all the time…) So therefore it goes to stand to reason that one must always be more dominant over the other, keeping us, as human beings, imbalanced. Therefore nothing is rational or balanced. Ever.

However, we always wonder… in the process of this, is the good that is achieved, necessarily good and lasting for future generations, or is it drowned out, considering the dominant force is either good or evil, and we can’t be assured in any given moment, which is the dominant one?

These things are the reason I feel strange today. It’s like I’m almost there and can maybe see a way out of this hole, but it’s like I can’t see it yet. I’m not “in-tune”, I’m not me.

Not that I’m philosophical or believe that anything could ever be “in-tune”, but y’know. 😛

Catch-up

Well, after a full ‘nother reinstallation of Arch and Fedora both, I think I may be on track computer-wise. THANK YOU BUNK GRUB2 UPGRADE, AND A BUNK KERNEL UPGRADE (respectively). NOT.

Due to unemployment, and not getting unemployment (was denied), my water is now shut off here at the house, and other utilities are in danger of being shut off. Haven’t been able to pay rent this month.

I want to work, but in this area (very small town), the unemployment rate is sky-high (possibly as high as 50+%), and there are no jobs. Can’t afford to go to where there are jobs right now.

I spend my days going insane for a smoke (please do not try to convince me to quit right now; I’m way to stressed for that, and even more stressed without being able to smoke), watching the forum, being on Twitter, and once in a while on Facebook. I help my daughter with my grandson where I can, and dream of the day when I can make some real money again, and get the hell out of the states to be with my someone, even if for just a couple of weeks. Hell, I’ll take any time with him right now.

I’m blessed I suppose to have what I do have. I have my daughter and grandson (mentioned before), and I have my someone (Joste). I have a roof over my head, even if not for much longer.

I have a retirement cashout coming… someday. The State lost the paperwork on it……. so I have to wait yet another 30-45 days for it to come……. by then I’m horribly afraid everything will be turned off.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing this is my life. I worked too hard throughout it for it to not be like this, and ended up with it anyway. It’s a nightmare.

To add insult to injury, what is now yesterday I finally had to break down and go get food stamps. They batched them out to me 4 hours ago, I went to go shop, and the pin I had put in for my EBT card, turned out to be the wrong pin. One I had manually entered already to get the card going in the first place, and it locked me out. I now have to wait another 24 hours before I can even shop. This is why I hate living on system shit.

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

Macula aeterintatis
Numquam detergenda
Quisnam surget et deteget
Imaginem veritates ?

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious intentions
Only to feel superior and to have a license to kill

Our desire to die is stronger
Than all your desire for life
There is no getting away from it now
Only true faith survives

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious ascensions
To subject the others and to enslave, just to further enrich themselves

It doesn’t matter where we die
It doesn’t matter that you cry
We’ll take you with us

A disgrace on the beyond

O servator, sempiterne
Te grati coluimus, Odor atrox quo nons superfundis intolerabilis est

Deceive yourself by yielding
to soft words that cause no pain
Enrich yourself with different views
Learned without disdain

A disgrace on the beyond
That can never be undone
Who shall rise and unveil
The Facade of Reality?

Is there still room for new dents in old wrecks?
A disgrace on the beyond that can never be undone
Deceive yourself by yielding to soft words
Enrich yourself by making up your own mind

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

~Epica

Façade of Reality

I haven’t had much to say lately, and for that I’m sorry to everyone. When one’s heavily depressed, it’s hard to talk. I appreciate very much everyone’s caring and love, and you have it in return. There’s just not much to say right now. Please forgive me.

Death

… is only a condition wherein we pretend we’re sleeping. I guess that’s what it’s going to take to get some sleep. So much going on, and so very little time to get it all in.

Or rather I should say, why isn’t it consistent? Some nights I can take only one OTT pill, and sleep fine. Others, I can take three and not sleep for three days. This is one of those nights, wherein nothing is working. Nothing… and I need sleep badly right now. Such is life I guess. Stress, insomnia, depression, and all the things that go with it. Lack of interest in some things, lack of will to get up off my ass and do anything about my situation (rent was due today, and guess what).

Speaking of stress, what is now yesterday, I decided to give my Arch Linux system a try at reinstalling the bootloader. No go. Not even close. With the bootloader having been completely 100% uninstalled, even in /usr/lib, it wasn’t going to work. Ut-ooh. Reinstall time, so I backed everything up on it from my Fedora 13 drive, and went for it. This time, I went for the net install. Mistake #2 (#1 was using gtkpacman to upgrade grub to grub2 with). It took for frikking ever. I got X installed, the Nvidia driver, ran nvidia-xconfig, and guess what. Now the Nvidia 256 driver doesn’t want to play nice. DAMNIT! Hung it up for the day; it had already taken some 2 1/2 hours. I’ll go back to it when I feel like tackling it again.

Other than that, interesting things happening on Twitter. Asshole from the Tea Party decided to try to weasel his way in to my Twitter. Nope, sorry dude, you’re outta here once I see what you’re up to. He was claiming to be in support of the 99ers (the people pushing for a tier 5 for unemployment benefits since the job market sucks so bad right now here in the states), but I could see through that smoke screen right away with his anti-Obama rhetoric, and anti-Democratic rhetoric as well. Again, I will reiterate: you can’t have it both ways. You can’t claim to support the 99ers, when you yourself are a member of a party who helped put the 99ers where they are, and have kept them there. Damned hypocrite anyway.

@ROCKWITHBECK, the #teabaggers can bite me.
@ROCKWITHBECK, what’s your #fucking trip? You pull for the 99ers in one hand, and then support the people that put them there in the other?
@ROCKWITHBECK, Get your game on. You can’t have it both ways.
He tries telling me:
@dedanna1029 There are just as many ‘TEA BAGGERS’ who are unemployeed, as there are ‘SOCIALISTS’. This is about surivival not politics.
@dedanna1029 I’m a member of the Tea Party Movement, and yet, I’m not going to turn my back on those in need … no matter the circumstances
@ROCKWITHBECK then get the HELL OFF MY #TWITTER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

“Would @SarahPalinUSA approve and push for a Tier V for #unemployment? Nope.” – I know I’m right. You can’t say it’s not a political thing, then turn right around in the same breath and spew rhetoric about the President and those who do NOT try to filibuster the H.R. 4213 bill!!! Hope he has his fun with Glenn Beck. Go back under the rock you crawled out of, asshole.

Something even more interesting happened. I got a message from @Kellbo0, saying “do u follow me back? i adore u.” (I’m thinking, “I’m nothing to adore”, and was quite stunned). I checked her out. Check out her name. “kell hussein obama”. I also checked out what she is all about. She is also fighting for a cause… I’m glad now she messaged me, and I’m definitely following her.

Also had an interesting message from @Socialblade, which read: “Sounds like you had a delicious breakfast/supper LOL! We hope you can cause we’d love to have you!” Being rather intrigued about the “we’d love to have you” part, I responded asking what they meant, but they haven’t gotten back to me.

Starting Monday, I won’t be on Facebook for two weeks. I’m burned out on it, and need a break from it.

I’m beginning to get worried about our Site Admin at bjoernvold. He said he was going to “take a night or two” to a beach getaway. Haven’t heard a thing since (Someone please tell me, how long is “a night or two”?). I’m manning the forum, but would really love to get some real excitement going on there. It’s not like you guys have quit slacking on it, either. I realize there are better things to do with one’s day, but you’re not even stopping by once in a while! I will say though, that I have developed a very deep appreciation of Rick Vause, who has kept coming back, and who has turned out to be someone I can talk to and relate with also. Thank you, Rick.

On the agenda for tomorrow: Clean house (that’s always on the agenda, and never gets done), fill out the papers for my retirement cashout so I can pay rent, and try to get a plane ticket while i’m at it to see the man, get laundry done, and maybe go see a friend. I have to admit I’m getting real tired of all this online stuff (with the exception of a couple of things), but it suits my purposes right now for communication, and activism for the 99ers (which I’m likely to be one in 99 weeks), and the Democratic Party. It does grate on my neck though, and on the carpal tunnel syndrome (that will be explained in another post, maybe).

… All you need is love. I do too. The Big Problem is, I’m always so busy loving everyone else, that I get very little chance to love myself.

Good night.

I’m whacked. Totally, completely whacked tired. So much so that I’m reaching the “I’m whacked” point after only 3 beers.

Still can’t sleep. Just want to hang on to whatever is… “out there”. Twitter, Facebook, this, that, the other, the forum, seems like a whole new world is opening up, when one is shutting down (but I can’t shut down my brain). I need to find a way to shut my brain off. OTT chemicals aren’t helping, pot isn’t helping, and I seriously don’t know what to do. 😦

Speaking of which, earlier I had a meltdown with and over Sarah Palin. Yeah, told her how it is. I shouldn’t have, but don’t think I said anything that most aren’t thinking anyway. She’s a bitch, there is no discounting that. Her effing neocon party totally hosed our system, and she comes back saying it’s everyone else’s fault. It would be one thing if she came back saying “Hey, we screwed up and are trying to make it right”, but what does she do. Becomes an effing Teabagging whore. I take very strong exception to the Teabaggers, having been directly involved with the unemployment situation here in the states in trying to help clean up the mess the neocon bastards left behind, and seeing directly what they’ve caused. Needless to say, I’m very hurt by it all. Film at 11 (yes, I say that sarcastically). (Yeah, bitch, keep on dogging Obama as a Nazi. See how far it will get you.)

Think I’ll go check the forum… or the Follow Friday page…. or maybe I’ll just go crawl into that bed that’s missing a certain someone.

The bitch strikes!

Wow! Finally slept at just after 6:00 this morning, three hours later, here I am! One would think that I’d be happy that I slept at all, but after a whole 3 hours of sleep, I feel like I’ve been crashed into by an airplane. Lack-of-sleep hangovers. They suck.

After 50 years, I still wonder why I inherited this dreaded disease (it runs in my family). You’d think I’d know by now. I guess some of us are just blessed. harumph.

On another note, Fedora 13 is happily updating right now, and I’m hoping it doesn’t do like Arch Linux did; update, then I reboot, and can’t get back into it. It’s strange that Arch Linux crashed after a major update several days ago, but Fedora has kept on trucking. It’s usually the other way around. Arch is quite stable on the whole. I guess I still have to learn to keep it that way.

At any rate, I need to go check the forum. Do stop by and see us at bjoernvold (hit Ctrl+left click on that link, and watch what happens. Remember that one). It’s a fun and technologically savvy place. 🙂 Still trying to get it off the ground after four months. You’ve been slacking! I also need to get plugins installed to Flock, now that I’m a *supposedly savvy* social media person and all :P.

After the forum, it’s off to check Facebook and Twitter, then out of the house to get some things done. One more thing before I go, if you Ctrl+left click this link, it will take you to my last.fm, where I’m scrobbling up my current playlist. Music… it’s what life is all about to me.

You can’t be still
You’re such a nervous fellow
Like a yo-yo
Up and down

Take this little pill
And life will be so mellow
You’ll feel the world
Start slowing down around

Who’s that rushing out the door
Who’s not taking any more
Who’s been down this road before
Without you

You tell me who’s number one
Who’s not here
Who’s having fun
Who’s the one who cares this much
About you

You won’t feel the pain
You won’t mind the rain
You can be happy all the time
All the time
One dose twice a day
The world will go away
You’ll be smiling through
The worst of times
Who’s that rushing out the door
Who’s not taking any more
Who’s been down this road before
Without you

You tell me who’s number one
Who’s not here
Who’s having fun
Who’s the one
Who knows so much about you

I believe I believe
There’s something more
I believe it’s just beyond the door
I believe there’s something more
I believe it’s just
Beyond the door
I believe there’s something
Better out there

Wanna leave this world
So far behind
I can see your face there
In my mind
I believe there’s something
Better out there

Who’s that rushing
Who’s not taking
Who’s been down this
You tell me who’s
Who’s not here who’s
Who’s the one who

Something better
Something better
Something better
Something better
Something better
–Styx

So, how ya doing today? Do tell.