Category: Depression


I came across this this morning. Yes, I’ve been away lately. My mom’s kitty Y2K, partly my kitty’s (I feel anyway, I took care of him a lot and he loved me as well, as I did him) death really did a number on me, and I needed a long time-out. In the meantime I’ve dislocated my knee on the shuttle-type bus here, and took it completely out of joint. There are two complete ligament tears but the orthopedist says I don’t need surgery, just physical therapy. That should prove fun. It happened just two weeks after I got a job (and I like it), so my full-time hours sadly have been cut way back. I’m not anywhere near as depressed as I was but then two things have come up which have started me on a comparably light depression today. Life sucks.

Indeedy, life sucks. Look at that article. That article is why we can’t have nice things here in the states. It is also a part of why our homeless population is so high. Right now the homeless count sits at right around 25 mil. The prison population. Where should I even begin to explain this? I guess the fact that a lot of those in jail and in prison come out to homelessness. They land in shelters like the one I’m in, which increases things like theft, intimidation, all kinds of things in the homeless shelters. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been stolen from – money, precious belongings, I could go on and on. They finally got me a small locker here, which helps, but doesn’t do it all by any means.

Shall we go on to say that the reason this is all happening is that corporations now run the prisons and they must be fed? This is only one way that corporations along with religion have taken over this country. I’d love to get out and stay out. Anyone in the UK got $20K USD, a plane ticket, and a sponsor for me? Didn’t think so.

We must understand these things. They are also the reason that oppression, repression, ethnic discrimination, and hatred abound. Is it fair that it’s women who have the rising prison stats? I have to wonder, because (not being a feminist), I have to say that women and those of other ethnicities are still to this day not held as equal to men in pay, etc., and that’s all I ask, is to be treated as an equal human being. Oh, and people! STOP calling it racism!!! We are all of ONE race, the human one, not one is better than another. Money doesn’t make us better! It only makes us more corrupt! We are merely of different nationalities and ethnicities. Call it for what it really is, ethnic discrimination! It’s been rampant since the beginning of time, because it seems that humanity has never evolved to the point of realizing that we are all one race! We should be loving one another and toppling any government who is a discriminating piece of shit on anyone! It starts with you and me!

What are we going to do about what’s happening with our prisons? That’s what I’d like to hear from you. The government, regardless who idiot voters put into power, doesn’t even acknowledge that it’s happening. Anyone ever heard any candidate mention what they’ll do about this out of control problem? The prisons or the homeless problem? Nah, read this and read well: They don’t give a shit about the homeless, or me, or you. If you think they do, kill yourself now.

If we don’t start talking with each other, the problem will bite us all in the ass. Hard.

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This post originally had something go way wrong, and it was a mess. I couldn’t fix it at the time, so I decided I’d come back to it when I mildly gave a rat’s and had time. Now, finally, here it is in its fixed form. -K

Well, I guess I somewhat am. I’m still grieving a lot but it eases sometimes, and I live for those moments when it does. Since I am somewhat better, since I’m damn tired of thinking about how depressed I am, I’m damn tired of the grief, it’s time to talk about something else.

I got a job. Not the best job but it’s money, which I need desperately. I can look for something else as I work it. It’s easier to get a job if you’re already working anyway. I won’t get kicked out of the shelter. My case manager has let me stay without paying the pay to stay rent for three months now, and he told me just today that I’m OK there, with or without rent. Maybe it’s because I don’t give anyone any shit, I get along with others, and I keep to myself, who knows.

Now time for yet another subject…

Microsoft. Microsoft Microsoft Microsoft. Why do people value you and love you so much? You and I both know they’re idiots. They pay so much money for a crappy operating system, and for almost every program on it. Why? Why? Why? Why? Take for example, in order to hang on to their monopoly, Microsoft still hasn't backed off of forced upgrades to 10. Why? Windows 10 is a piece of shit. It's worse than 8 even. I had 8.1 on my laptop and then upgraded to 10 before it got stolen. I regretted it, reformatted with just Linux, and it ran like a champ from then on. Lesson learned. I had been dual-booting with Mageia Linux, but scrapped the whole thing and went fully Mageia Linux 5. Never a complaint from it, except it has issues seeing Broadcom wireless chips. They're deep into 6 now, it's on its way if it hasn't been released yet.

So do yourself a favor, go Linux. Musicians, you won't believe the tools Linux has for you. It's really awesome…

I'm off for now. Not much time today, probably a good thing. I don't know what I'm doing today anyway, but hoping I can somehow get a hold of a bus pass so I can get to and from work. If not, I'm screwed.
Take care.

He was beautiful…

On top of everything else, my mom’s cat died today. I took care of him a lot. He was sort of both of ours. He was a love.

RIP little guy, I’ll miss you when I go to see my mom. Wish I could bring you back healthy…. but I’m sure you’re having fun with your sister, who you haven’t seen for several years… give her a love for me, and take heaps for you from me. I have nothing more to say except I’m going to go offline for a while, not allow internet access. This is not a good day. I’m numb.

 

Y2K last pictures 034

“The Y2K Cat (1999 [?] – May 21, 2016) was met with happiness by his beloved partner, L’ilblackcat, at the Rainbow Bridge crossing at about 10:00AM MST this morning. On our side of the Bridge he was attended outdoors by his human of many years, jg, and by his IMVet-Cancer of many months, Dr. Miles. He will be cremated this weekend.

It was the cancer, without doubt, probably compounded by his heart disease. Yesterday he appeared so miserable, we went down late in the day to see if there was anything that could be done to make him feel better, and had it not been way past closing time for Homeward Bound (the pet crematorium here) it would have happened last night. As it was, and after a lot of discussion of alternatives and risks, Dr. Miles gave him Elspar more as a confirming thing, and Y2K stayed on his fuzzy red blanket overnight in ICU on 24/7 monitoring. This morning his main tumor had shrunk considerably, the secondary one couldn’t be found, and his blood work was slightly better; and he had eaten a tiny bit and done his feline duties. BUT, he clearly still had substantial trouble on more than one front. With Elspar gaining him perhaps the weekend and maybe another day or so and leaving open the possibility of painful cancer/heart complications that could not be timely eased, Y & I spent a very long time outside in a quiet spot on the grass in the sun and under a tree before Dr. Miles came outside for the dear sweet kitty’s peaceful crossing.

In lieu of condolences, we — Y & I — request that a contribution be made in his name to your local feline rescue or TNR organization, or if none locally to Look What The Cat Brought In (Colorado Springs: http://lookwhatthecatbroughtin.org/) where Y2K has bequeathed the remainder of his own estate.
Pax vobiscum,

Jean”

Well, fml.

Seriously.

I’d like to know why breakups always seem to come when you already have way too much shit on your plate. Never failing, that. Then it happens again and again. It makes things so much worse and it hurts so bad, whether the relationship has been for years or for a very brief time. It’s always the same. I’m probably emotionally/mentally worse off than I have been in a very long time. I think the last one is when I died by my own hands, and dammit they brought me back. Honestly, it was beautiful there… I think I’ll stick to being alone. I can’t get hurt any more that way.

I’ve not been assigned a counselor yet at the mental health center here. If I try to go anywhere hospital-wise (although I did the other night), they’ll throw me in Behavioral Health and that’s the last thing I need. I’d be locked up, with comforting items taken away from me. I’m so claustrophobic there that I’d really freak, and I’m almost there as it is. I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop the panic attacks, I am facing some very real and rational fears. I don’t know what to do. If it weren’t for my son, I wouldn’t be alive probably. I have the best son in the whole wide world (he’s grown), and I love him very much. Continue reading

It’s been a very long time, hasnit? It went by too fast for this kid. So much has happened since I last wrote here for such a small span of time. So much that I don’t know where to begin. What’s it been? Some five years? Wait….

WARNING:

sarcastic

————————————————————-

SIX YEARS (yea, hard to fathom)!!!!

—————————————————————

I’ve definitely been away for far too long!

Holy shit!

It’s time to start writing once again, and not stop this time. The reason it stopped last time is… life. Just pure, shit life. It’s still a shit life but every once in a while it gets better because cool people come ’round where I’m at, a homeless shelter in Cheyenne, WY. I’ve also been on Facebook, and have cool people there around me. Very special people, each and every one. However, I need to get away from Facebook for a while. It’s affording me very bad things like procrastination from what I should be doing, because I haven’t had the will to do what I should be doing. Does it matter at the end of the day? Yes. Because I’m homeless and need to buckle down to find work, to get housing, all the “amenities,” “perks,” “free welfare,” “benefits”… all those goodies we shouldn’t have according to the governments because homeless people can just die (which by the way is what they are doing in the states – dying). I love the attitude of the rich. If I could I’d eat them. Maybe then I could have all their money and music. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC! MUSIC, I tell you!!!

I was evicted from my apartment in September of 2011 because I couldn’t keep up with rent. I’d lost my job. Need I say more there? Thank you, 1%. Thank you, former employers, I loved that job. It utilized the skills that I have, as well as the kind of heart I have. I care for others. A lot. I was working for New Mexico Workforce Connection, making what at that time was seen as good pay. Here’s a twist for you: Employment Recruiter gets laid off. Would’ve made a helluva headline at the time. My landlord helped me file for disability, as my lower back had got much worse, and at the time I was very depressed, not knowing what I should – or wanted – to do with my life? It’s kind of like when a marriage breaks up and you’re taking your first step into your new place from it. Know that feeling? I do.

My landlord also helped me for about a year, but nothing broke in a 56% UNemployment market, it was too hard to find. The dairy industry had pretty much closed down in Portales, taking the whole economy there; jobs lost, etc. etc. You know the drill. It was the time of the second major financial crash in the U.S., the 2010 one. When a year was up, my landlord couldn’t handle it any more and handed me an eviction notice. I appreciated him helping me up to that point, so I wasn’t going to fight it. Why should I? Bite the hand that feeds me? Oh hell no. I’m not the kind of person to take advantage of people like that and then screw them over (although I know plenty of people like that. I hate them all).

(Still in 2011) With no money, no time, no anything, I had to be out of the apartment, and accepted that fact. I just didn’t know what to do? I checked out schools in Colorado, and homeless shelters there. I decided to go up to Colorado Springs and go to CTU (epic fail for two quarters), where I’d be close to my mom. With the help of a very good old friend (she’s not old, our friendship is lol) I got everything packed and stored at my friend’s. I took off for Colorado Springs in my (what I thought was) trusty ’87 Acura Legend. Along the way, the car blew the main transmission seal. I had to put in tranny fluid seemed like every five minutes on the way. It was a nightmare. I junked it at Colorado Springs, and headed for the shelter. I knew it was eat shit and die time. I’d never been in this place before.

eat-shit-die

Continue reading

Hello World…

You’re really seeming strange today (today is). Maybe it’s that I’m not awake yet, and am seeing things from my sleepy state, it could be that reality isn’t proven out to be all that it’s cracked up to be. It could be anything, but damn, today sure looks strange.

Let’s start with the fact that reality is something that can be either good or bad, shall we? Let’s accept that reality for just a moment, and realize that therefore, a lot is or could be in imbalance.

(For this is something that we as human beings ponder all the time…) So therefore it goes to stand to reason that one must always be more dominant over the other, keeping us, as human beings, imbalanced. Therefore nothing is rational or balanced. Ever.

However, we always wonder… in the process of this, is the good that is achieved, necessarily good and lasting for future generations, or is it drowned out, considering the dominant force is either good or evil, and we can’t be assured in any given moment, which is the dominant one?

These things are the reason I feel strange today. It’s like I’m almost there and can maybe see a way out of this hole, but it’s like I can’t see it yet. I’m not “in-tune”, I’m not me.

Not that I’m philosophical or believe that anything could ever be “in-tune”, but y’know. 😛

Catch-up

Well, after a full ‘nother reinstallation of Arch and Fedora both, I think I may be on track computer-wise. THANK YOU BUNK GRUB2 UPGRADE, AND A BUNK KERNEL UPGRADE (respectively). NOT.

Due to unemployment, and not getting unemployment (was denied), my water is now shut off here at the house, and other utilities are in danger of being shut off. Haven’t been able to pay rent this month.

I want to work, but in this area (very small town), the unemployment rate is sky-high (possibly as high as 50+%), and there are no jobs. Can’t afford to go to where there are jobs right now.

I spend my days going insane for a smoke (please do not try to convince me to quit right now; I’m way to stressed for that, and even more stressed without being able to smoke), watching the forum, being on Twitter, and once in a while on Facebook. I help my daughter with my grandson where I can, and dream of the day when I can make some real money again, and get the hell out of the states to be with my someone, even if for just a couple of weeks. Hell, I’ll take any time with him right now.

I’m blessed I suppose to have what I do have. I have my daughter and grandson (mentioned before), and I have my someone (Joste). I have a roof over my head, even if not for much longer.

I have a retirement cashout coming… someday. The State lost the paperwork on it……. so I have to wait yet another 30-45 days for it to come……. by then I’m horribly afraid everything will be turned off.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing this is my life. I worked too hard throughout it for it to not be like this, and ended up with it anyway. It’s a nightmare.

To add insult to injury, what is now yesterday I finally had to break down and go get food stamps. They batched them out to me 4 hours ago, I went to go shop, and the pin I had put in for my EBT card, turned out to be the wrong pin. One I had manually entered already to get the card going in the first place, and it locked me out. I now have to wait another 24 hours before I can even shop. This is why I hate living on system shit.

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

Macula aeterintatis
Numquam detergenda
Quisnam surget et deteget
Imaginem veritates ?

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious intentions
Only to feel superior and to have a license to kill

Our desire to die is stronger
Than all your desire for life
There is no getting away from it now
Only true faith survives

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious ascensions
To subject the others and to enslave, just to further enrich themselves

It doesn’t matter where we die
It doesn’t matter that you cry
We’ll take you with us

A disgrace on the beyond

O servator, sempiterne
Te grati coluimus, Odor atrox quo nons superfundis intolerabilis est

Deceive yourself by yielding
to soft words that cause no pain
Enrich yourself with different views
Learned without disdain

A disgrace on the beyond
That can never be undone
Who shall rise and unveil
The Facade of Reality?

Is there still room for new dents in old wrecks?
A disgrace on the beyond that can never be undone
Deceive yourself by yielding to soft words
Enrich yourself by making up your own mind

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

~Epica

Façade of Reality

I haven’t had much to say lately, and for that I’m sorry to everyone. When one’s heavily depressed, it’s hard to talk. I appreciate very much everyone’s caring and love, and you have it in return. There’s just not much to say right now. Please forgive me.

Death

… is only a condition wherein we pretend we’re sleeping. I guess that’s what it’s going to take to get some sleep. So much going on, and so very little time to get it all in.

Or rather I should say, why isn’t it consistent? Some nights I can take only one OTT pill, and sleep fine. Others, I can take three and not sleep for three days. This is one of those nights, wherein nothing is working. Nothing… and I need sleep badly right now. Such is life I guess. Stress, insomnia, depression, and all the things that go with it. Lack of interest in some things, lack of will to get up off my ass and do anything about my situation (rent was due today, and guess what).

Speaking of stress, what is now yesterday, I decided to give my Arch Linux system a try at reinstalling the bootloader. No go. Not even close. With the bootloader having been completely 100% uninstalled, even in /usr/lib, it wasn’t going to work. Ut-ooh. Reinstall time, so I backed everything up on it from my Fedora 13 drive, and went for it. This time, I went for the net install. Mistake #2 (#1 was using gtkpacman to upgrade grub to grub2 with). It took for frikking ever. I got X installed, the Nvidia driver, ran nvidia-xconfig, and guess what. Now the Nvidia 256 driver doesn’t want to play nice. DAMNIT! Hung it up for the day; it had already taken some 2 1/2 hours. I’ll go back to it when I feel like tackling it again.

Other than that, interesting things happening on Twitter. Asshole from the Tea Party decided to try to weasel his way in to my Twitter. Nope, sorry dude, you’re outta here once I see what you’re up to. He was claiming to be in support of the 99ers (the people pushing for a tier 5 for unemployment benefits since the job market sucks so bad right now here in the states), but I could see through that smoke screen right away with his anti-Obama rhetoric, and anti-Democratic rhetoric as well. Again, I will reiterate: you can’t have it both ways. You can’t claim to support the 99ers, when you yourself are a member of a party who helped put the 99ers where they are, and have kept them there. Damned hypocrite anyway.

@ROCKWITHBECK, the #teabaggers can bite me.
@ROCKWITHBECK, what’s your #fucking trip? You pull for the 99ers in one hand, and then support the people that put them there in the other?
@ROCKWITHBECK, Get your game on. You can’t have it both ways.
He tries telling me:
@dedanna1029 There are just as many ‘TEA BAGGERS’ who are unemployeed, as there are ‘SOCIALISTS’. This is about surivival not politics.
@dedanna1029 I’m a member of the Tea Party Movement, and yet, I’m not going to turn my back on those in need … no matter the circumstances
@ROCKWITHBECK then get the HELL OFF MY #TWITTER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

“Would @SarahPalinUSA approve and push for a Tier V for #unemployment? Nope.” – I know I’m right. You can’t say it’s not a political thing, then turn right around in the same breath and spew rhetoric about the President and those who do NOT try to filibuster the H.R. 4213 bill!!! Hope he has his fun with Glenn Beck. Go back under the rock you crawled out of, asshole.

Something even more interesting happened. I got a message from @Kellbo0, saying “do u follow me back? i adore u.” (I’m thinking, “I’m nothing to adore”, and was quite stunned). I checked her out. Check out her name. “kell hussein obama”. I also checked out what she is all about. She is also fighting for a cause… I’m glad now she messaged me, and I’m definitely following her.

Also had an interesting message from @Socialblade, which read: “Sounds like you had a delicious breakfast/supper LOL! We hope you can cause we’d love to have you!” Being rather intrigued about the “we’d love to have you” part, I responded asking what they meant, but they haven’t gotten back to me.

Starting Monday, I won’t be on Facebook for two weeks. I’m burned out on it, and need a break from it.

I’m beginning to get worried about our Site Admin at bjoernvold. He said he was going to “take a night or two” to a beach getaway. Haven’t heard a thing since (Someone please tell me, how long is “a night or two”?). I’m manning the forum, but would really love to get some real excitement going on there. It’s not like you guys have quit slacking on it, either. I realize there are better things to do with one’s day, but you’re not even stopping by once in a while! I will say though, that I have developed a very deep appreciation of Rick Vause, who has kept coming back, and who has turned out to be someone I can talk to and relate with also. Thank you, Rick.

On the agenda for tomorrow: Clean house (that’s always on the agenda, and never gets done), fill out the papers for my retirement cashout so I can pay rent, and try to get a plane ticket while i’m at it to see the man, get laundry done, and maybe go see a friend. I have to admit I’m getting real tired of all this online stuff (with the exception of a couple of things), but it suits my purposes right now for communication, and activism for the 99ers (which I’m likely to be one in 99 weeks), and the Democratic Party. It does grate on my neck though, and on the carpal tunnel syndrome (that will be explained in another post, maybe).

… All you need is love. I do too. The Big Problem is, I’m always so busy loving everyone else, that I get very little chance to love myself.

Good night.

Sons les mots qui vont trés bien ensemble, trés bien ensemble,
I love you, I love you I love you…

Depression is the least of my worries sometimes. Flashback to 1982.

I was pregnant with Jennifer, my first child, in my middle trimester, some 4 or 5 months along. I was living with my aunt and uncle, who had just had their first child, a beautiful, beautiful blonde baby girl, with ebony eyes. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect! Except for one thing. She became very sick. My aunt literally walked the floors, holding her for some two months, afraid to take her to the hospital. Make no doubt about it, my aunt was the epitomy of a good mother. She loved her babe very much (who, at the time, was 16 months old). After two months of walking her 24/7, holding her, loving her, doting on her, just to listen to her whimper, she finally broke down and took her to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles. From there, they ran tests after tests, including a spinal tap, never reaching a 100% positive conclusion on what was wrong.

I went to see my aunt and cousin several times during the time they were in the hospital (still pregnant, at almost if not 8 months by this time), only to watch my cousin worsen and worsen. Her stomach distended to look as if she were literally pregnant, and became black and blue. She was riddled with I.V.s, and I could tell that she was… not going to make it. No one could tell my aunt that, though. Everyone tried, the nurses, everyone, but she refused to give up on her one baby daughter.

Finally, on Christmas Day, we were at my grandmother’s (my uncle’s mother), my aunt and uncle, my dad, old friends of the family, and I saw my grandmother receive a phone call. She took it into the other room. When the call was over, she came out, looked at my aunt with the look of “OMG”, and my aunt looked at her, and said, “She didn’t make it?”

No, love. She didn’t make it. She died, Christmas Day, 1982. Needless to say, I haven’t celebrated Christmas since, and refuse to. I abandoned all faith at that time, and felt like an omen of sorts had been place on my own child, who wasn’t born yet. The pain of losing Michelle on that day was more than any of us could handle.

After that, from much prompting of my aunt and uncle from my dad, an autopsy was done, and it became conclusive that Michelle had died of Myelogenous Leukemia. After the autopsy, there was a funeral, at my favorite church in Pasadena, California (St. Elizabeth’s), which was one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to endure in my life. They played that old Beatles tune “Michelle, Ma Belle” for her. As time went on however, I did my best to push it out of my mind; I had a child to bring into the world of my own, and I couldn’t – just couldn’t, do it under the stigma of pain. Jennifer was born very healthy and beautiful herself – a redhead.

I had pushed it out of my mind completely (or so I thought) years ago. Why am I bringing this up now? Well, my friend, the miracle of Facebook. A friend of mine on there, Tony Phillips, is holding a fundraiser for Leukemia and Lymphoma for children. He’s had a very hard time raising the funds he needs for it, and I would like to ask you to at least consider donating. Who knows, it might be your child, too someday.

I donated tonight. Being unemployed, it’s not easy, but felt compelled to do something, given the history.

The tears are flooding… but I have to still believe that somehow, Michelle’s death won’t have been for nothing.

Post-traumatic stress from watching Michelle die? Yes. It’s still worth it. This is the first I’ve spoken of her death since her funeral. It must be worth it.

Thanks for reading.