I’d like to know why breakups always seem to come when you already have way too much shit on your plate. Never failing, that. Then it happens again and again. It makes things so much worse and it hurts so bad, whether the relationship has been for years or for a very brief time. It’s always the same. I’m probably emotionally/mentally worse off than I have been in a very long time. I think the last one is when I died by my own hands, and dammit they brought me back. Honestly, it was beautiful there… I think I’ll stick to being alone. I can’t get hurt any more that way.

I’ve not been assigned a counselor yet at the mental health center here. If I try to go anywhere hospital-wise (although I did the other night), they’ll throw me in Behavioral Health and that’s the last thing I need. I’d be locked up, with comforting items taken away from me. I’m so claustrophobic there that I’d really freak, and I’m almost there as it is. I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop the panic attacks, I am facing some very real and rational fears. I don’t know what to do. If it weren’t for my son, I wouldn’t be alive probably. I have the best son in the whole wide world (he’s grown), and I love him very much.

So, this nothing existence has got to me. I need to stuff my feelings back down with a huge rag. They can never be let out again. I hate this because I can’t even stop crying now much less be able to talk to anyone. I want so badly to run away to somewhere that I can be alone to deal and think, try to go from here, but I can’t do that. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve and fuck all I DON’T WANT TO!!! Wish I were alone instead of at the shelter, then I wouldn’t be doing that.

Go from here. Where can you go from nothing? Go from nothing to an even bigger nothing? I don’t even have the will.


Maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll learn to deal.

Adele says it all:

Someone Like You