Archive for August, 2010


Some days are like this.

Well, I’ll tell ya what. At 8:00 last night, I got in from one of the worst days I’ve had in AGES, my car crapped out on me out of town, they wouldn’t have parts for it until this morning, it’s an expensive fix (alternator is what it was; totally crapped on me), I had to get the battery charged THREE times via being jumped, and even then the car would only go ’til the next time I stopped (and one of the times it crapped was in the middle of the frikking street, a busy one). 😦 I had an app’t this morning I had to make (ended up walking – it was very hot, as well as several other things today (oh well, guess I won’t get to go to Lubbock this coming weekend). At least I have someone who brought me the alternator this morning, but even then, I have no one to put it on. I’m currently a sitting frikking duck at home.

BUT, there was one thing I was so thankful for throughout the day, that I had this album on my mp3 player (“The Understanding”), my mp3 player was charged, and I had it with me. I seriously don’t think I would have stayed even as sane as I did through the day without it and the thought that Viking had suggested it. I fell in love with this album, in particular (but not only) this song, I don’t know how many times:

Thank you Bjoernvold Site Admin viking60. Seriously. I really really love it, and the more I listen, the more I love it. If that doesn’t calm the soul, I don’t know what does. It put me in a whole ‘nother world, and really all I could do yesterday and today, was to do my best to stay in the world it put me in.

Update: On another note, this is probably the last “deep” post you will have from me. I’m thinking on other things to write about at this time; Linux in particular. Stay tuned.

I made it to the appointment, ended up walking from there to the Chinese restaurant for lunch, then to downtown, made an appointment to get my hair cut, and also came to find out that my old mechanic is back in business, and was still at his old place, within walking distance. Sometimes when we cry, the source is listening.

This post was also posted at the forum, here. This post here on the blog is a modified form.

Hello World…

You’re really seeming strange today (today is). Maybe it’s that I’m not awake yet, and am seeing things from my sleepy state, it could be that reality isn’t proven out to be all that it’s cracked up to be. It could be anything, but damn, today sure looks strange.

Let’s start with the fact that reality is something that can be either good or bad, shall we? Let’s accept that reality for just a moment, and realize that therefore, a lot is or could be in imbalance.

(For this is something that we as human beings ponder all the time…) So therefore it goes to stand to reason that one must always be more dominant over the other, keeping us, as human beings, imbalanced. Therefore nothing is rational or balanced. Ever.

However, we always wonder… in the process of this, is the good that is achieved, necessarily good and lasting for future generations, or is it drowned out, considering the dominant force is either good or evil, and we can’t be assured in any given moment, which is the dominant one?

These things are the reason I feel strange today. It’s like I’m almost there and can maybe see a way out of this hole, but it’s like I can’t see it yet. I’m not “in-tune”, I’m not me.

Not that I’m philosophical or believe that anything could ever be “in-tune”, but y’know. 😛

My promise to you.

Well, it got to the point to where I had to do something about the depression, and along with it came this, my promise to you.

No-Suicide Contract
by Kevin Caruso
Suicide.org
Founder, Executive Director, Editor-in-Chief

I, Kimberly A. Garren, hereby agree that I will not harm myself in any way, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

Furthermore, I agree that I will take the following actions if I am ever suicidal:

1) I will remind myself that I can never, under any circumstances, harm myself in any way, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

2) I will call 911 if I believe that I am in immediate danger of harming myself.

3) I will call any or all of the following numbers if I am not in immediate danger of harming myself but have suicidal thoughts (please list names, phone numbers, addresses, and any other relevant contact information below):

Mental Health Resources in Portales, NM, 575-359-1221 between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. on the weekdays. On the weekends and outside office hours, I agree to call:

1-800-SUICIDE — 24-hour suicide prevention line that can be called from anywhere in the U.S.

I further agree to keep all counseling appointments at Mental Health Resources, in Portales, NM. My next appointment is Tuesday, September 7, 2010, at 10:00 a.m.

4) I will continue talking on the phone with as many people as necessary for as long as necessary until the suicidal thoughts have subsided.

Signature Kimberly A. Garren Date August 12, 2010, at 5:05 p.m.

Witness Joste Bowen Date 13th of August 2010 at 00:09

Copyright Kevin Caruso. All Rights Reserved.
Suicide.org

Many thanks to Joste for witnessing this. Joste, you’re too kind to me, as you always are.

I signed the real McCoy at the counseling center today. This is just as real as that was, and much more public.

If you’re wondering about the time difference in Joste’s witnessing, it’s because he’s in the U.K.

I would like for everyone to know as well, that this was due in large part to Joste, whom I love very much, and who says he loves me too. If I hadn’t had that… “goal” in my mind still of being able to be with him someday hopefully relatively soon, I would’ve said screw it. Also, the love he’s shown me through this has been very immense and powerful, giving me cheer, letting me know that there was no reason to give up on him, or on life in general.

Also, credit (a lot) to his friend Stephen, who has tried so hard to get me to see things more positively than I do, and to get me to keep fighting.

There are others of course, too, but I don’t think I could fit them all here. I hope they all know who they are. They’re each and every one of you that’s reading right now.

Thank you for your friendship, and your love, always, everyone.

I love you Joste. Please no matter what happens with us when or with anything, know that I love you very very much. It’s immeasurable. Thank you. Thank you always.

I guess what I mean is, love makes all the difference in the world. Please let’s all hang onto that.

… All you need is love.

Catch-up

Well, after a full ‘nother reinstallation of Arch and Fedora both, I think I may be on track computer-wise. THANK YOU BUNK GRUB2 UPGRADE, AND A BUNK KERNEL UPGRADE (respectively). NOT.

Due to unemployment, and not getting unemployment (was denied), my water is now shut off here at the house, and other utilities are in danger of being shut off. Haven’t been able to pay rent this month.

I want to work, but in this area (very small town), the unemployment rate is sky-high (possibly as high as 50+%), and there are no jobs. Can’t afford to go to where there are jobs right now.

I spend my days going insane for a smoke (please do not try to convince me to quit right now; I’m way to stressed for that, and even more stressed without being able to smoke), watching the forum, being on Twitter, and once in a while on Facebook. I help my daughter with my grandson where I can, and dream of the day when I can make some real money again, and get the hell out of the states to be with my someone, even if for just a couple of weeks. Hell, I’ll take any time with him right now.

I’m blessed I suppose to have what I do have. I have my daughter and grandson (mentioned before), and I have my someone (Joste). I have a roof over my head, even if not for much longer.

I have a retirement cashout coming… someday. The State lost the paperwork on it……. so I have to wait yet another 30-45 days for it to come……. by then I’m horribly afraid everything will be turned off.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing this is my life. I worked too hard throughout it for it to not be like this, and ended up with it anyway. It’s a nightmare.

To add insult to injury, what is now yesterday I finally had to break down and go get food stamps. They batched them out to me 4 hours ago, I went to go shop, and the pin I had put in for my EBT card, turned out to be the wrong pin. One I had manually entered already to get the card going in the first place, and it locked me out. I now have to wait another 24 hours before I can even shop. This is why I hate living on system shit.

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

Macula aeterintatis
Numquam detergenda
Quisnam surget et deteget
Imaginem veritates ?

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious intentions
Only to feel superior and to have a license to kill

Our desire to die is stronger
Than all your desire for life
There is no getting away from it now
Only true faith survives

People created religious inventions
To give their lives a glimmer of hope
And to ease their fear of dying
And people created religious ascensions
To subject the others and to enslave, just to further enrich themselves

It doesn’t matter where we die
It doesn’t matter that you cry
We’ll take you with us

A disgrace on the beyond

O servator, sempiterne
Te grati coluimus, Odor atrox quo nons superfundis intolerabilis est

Deceive yourself by yielding
to soft words that cause no pain
Enrich yourself with different views
Learned without disdain

A disgrace on the beyond
That can never be undone
Who shall rise and unveil
The Facade of Reality?

Is there still room for new dents in old wrecks?
A disgrace on the beyond that can never be undone
Deceive yourself by yielding to soft words
Enrich yourself by making up your own mind

Sanguis meus tibi non iam perbibendus sit

~Epica

Façade of Reality

I haven’t had much to say lately, and for that I’m sorry to everyone. When one’s heavily depressed, it’s hard to talk. I appreciate very much everyone’s caring and love, and you have it in return. There’s just not much to say right now. Please forgive me.